Forgiveness is a tricky word. We often carry associations with the word forgiveness that turn the act of forgiving into something more painful than it needs to be. Let’s set the record straight on forgiveness by learning what forgiveness IS and what it IS NOT.
 
Forgiveness IS NOT:

1. Permission. Forgiveness is not permission for the other person to continue harming you.
   We still need to protect ourselves and teach people how to treat us by setting boundaries. We can forgive someone and still have boundaries so they cannot hurt us in the same way again. In no way is forgiveness a statement of permission.
   
   
2. Forgetting. Forgiveness doesn’t make us forget what’s been done and does not discount the hurt we experienced from the event.
   They hurt us. That was real. Our feelings around that event are real. It is ok (and encouraged) to feel all the feelings around the event and not push them down or try to discount them. Let yourself feel everything. When we forgive the other person for hurting us, many times we won’t forget what they did. We may never forget. And that’s ok. Nothing about forgiveness says we have to. “Forgive and forget” is a lie.
   
   
3. Approval. Forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did to us is “ok”.  This is similar to forgiveness not being permission. When we forgive someone, we are NOT approving of what that person did to us. We are not telling the world that we tolerate that kind of behavior toward us. We are not telling the person they can do it again. In fact, we may decide we don’t want that person in our lives at all anymore. And that’s ok. That is your boundary.
   

Now that we’ve discussed what forgiveness is not, let’s talk about what forgiveness really is and what it means.

Self-care is the “in” word lately. We’ve all heard how we need to be practicing self-care daily to keep us healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. No one denies the benefits of a great self-care routine, but how do we get started?
 
First, let’s knock out some misconceptions about self-care by talking about what self-care is NOT.

• Self-care is NOT being late to work every day because we needed to sleep in.
• Self-care is NOT bingeing on ice cream sundaes every night because we deserve a little dessert after dinner.
• Self-care is NOT saying whatever comes to mind even if hurts people just because we need to be true to our feelings.
• Self-care is NOT depriving our families of our nurturing presence because we can’t handle the responsibilities of parenthood.

 
I think you get the idea.
 
Now, let’s talk about what self-care IS.

“My brain says some really mean things to me sometimes.” My friend told me this once, and I could totally relate.
 
How we talk to ourselves makes a big difference in the way we see ourselves in the world. According to an article on healthline.com, “Self-talk is your internal dialogue. It's influenced by your subconscious mind, and it reveals your thoughts, beliefs, questions, and ideas.”
 
If I’m constantly telling myself I’m not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc., those messages will stifle my growth, lower my self-esteem, and lead to lower self confidence in my place in the world. Not to mention, what kind of message does it teach our kids? Sometimes they hear us say things like, “Ugh! I’m so fat!” Or “I can’t do anything right.” Muttering self-deprecating messages under our breath does not go unnoticed by our children and can lead to our children doing the same thing, therefore lowering their self-esteem and confidence.
 
What’s the solution?